So, I have neglected you here once again. Please forgive me!
Let me explain.....
We headed to Utah for a week of CRAZINESS full of family Christmas parties, etc. We had a blast. Took loads of pictures, which will be shared with you soon, and had a fabulous Christmas! More on that another day.
Laced in throughout all of our parties and celebrations we watched as our sweet baby Dawson started to take a nose dive. It was a fast drop.
I have to tell you that just before we packed to come to Utah I had strong feelings that implied this would happen. When the article in the paper came out and the new blog launched, both inspired by the miracles and changes in our lives that have come because of this amazing son of ours, the response was amazing. The emails that came in from people that had been touched by Dawson's story reaffirmed that we were on the right track. This experience is not ours alone. It is meant to be shared. It is meant to remind everyone who hears it of our purpose here on earth and our mission to return to our Father in Heaven.
I went in Dawson's room for some snuggle time and to tell him about all the people that are being touched by his story and the spirit. I told him about the lives he has changed through his faithfulness and sweet spirit. I told him mostly about how he had changed me. Completely! A sacred experience came in that moment. One that allowed my son, in his own way, to communicate his love to me. All that he could do for me was completed. He has finished his mission for making his stubborn ole' Mom realize who she really is and what I am meant to do with that.
With that feeling came a lot of peace. An understanding that Dawson would soon be leaving his sacred little body.
Dad was next.
It is not my place to share the feelings Ryan has had. He and I process things so differently. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a talker. I just am. That's how I process. I can talk someones ear off for an hour and a half and then have my "AH HA" moment where it makes sense and I can begin to put it in it's proper place. (thanks to all of you that lend your ears....hopefully they don't bleed for too long after the abuse of too much use! Ha!) Ryan is different. I had been so wrapped up in how it affected me that I didn't stop to see that my rock, always faithful, always strong husband, needed to find his own way to process this.
Any experience that he had will have to be shared by him. All I can say is that there is peace. We are strong and we are as ready as we can be.
We don't know timing, we don't pretend to know that anymore, we just know that after a conversation with Dr. Scott (an absolute blessing and answer to prayer to our family) and in combination with the counsel we received from Dr Walker, Dawson's Neuro Surgeon, Dawson's brain is beginning the process of shutting down all of his systems. His suffering is almost over.
Right now, he is experiencing no pain. He is happy, medicated and getting all the love he can handle. His brain is easily irritated so we are careful not to overstimulate and sure to give lots of love when he needs extra comfort.
Today we are going to Build-A-Bear to make a special "Dawson" bear for Jake. A heart with Dawson's name on it and plenty of love from Dawson will be placed inside along with a "voice box" that will have Dawson's "Bu bu bu bu"'s (his name for Jake) recorded on it. The bear will wear Dawson's Star Wars shirt, the one that Jake has an identical copy of. Jake is a tangible type boy. When he sleeps over anywhere he takes my yellow baby blanket to wrap up in so he feels my squeezes if he is scared or misses me, so he says. He will need all the extra prayers and love he can get. This is a hard concept. Especially for a boy with such a strong bond with his little brother.
I don't think any of us are prepared for how much we will miss Dawson's loves, but we are trying to get all we can now. I am so sleep deprived right now it is ridiculous! :) I make Dawson skooch over and let me lay by him in his bed at night. I love to hold him while he sleeps so soundly. I don't get much sleep, but it's ok. I want those moments so badly. It is an amazing blessing to be able to start the grieving process and still be able to hold his body tight for comfort.
Peace is easily found when we try to focus on this part of our lives as being released from a mission or calling instead of focusing on the loss of our son. We will be with him forever. His spirit will be close, always. His sweet body is a sacred blessing and reminder of the sacrifice he made on our behalf and the love the Lord has for us, the Power of the Atonement, and our real purpose here on earth. It is hard....really hard, but at the same time the greatest blessing. We couldn't be more grateful for the knowledge of Eternal Families and the Plan of Salvation. It is the only comfort that is comfort enough to heal our hearts!
So, our plan for now. Love our baby. Enjoy every second. Plan to return to Idaho on Sunday night or Monday morning, depending of course on Dawson's timing and needs. We will keep you all posted.
Thanks for all of your love and support, and especially for prayers! When we go through experiences like this it is faith building and amazing to feel the tangible power of the prayers of loved ones offered on our behalf! We couldn't do this without it! THANK YOU!
**ALSO, please check out yourlifeuncommon.com (our other blog). My sweet friend Deirdre did a guest post for me today that seriously motivated and inspired me! I can't wait to take a second and set some new goals for myself! THANKS DRE! LOVE YOU!