Friday, January 29, 2010

Day Of Peace: Our Last Day With Little D

OK, I am not going to lie...Looking through all of these pictures brings up A LOT of tears for me. How did we do this?! How in the WORLD could we possibly make it through this day?

I have ran through the day in my mind a million times. The signs and symptoms of a body in shut down. My little boy dying. HOW did we have the courage to hold him and watch it all happen. It goes against the very grain of being a parent. How did I not fight to prevent it all?

 The answer that comes to mind EVERYTIME I ask this increases my KNOWLEDGE of the Love our Father In Heaven has for us! It is consuming, that love!

He was there! The Lord had completely encompassed us that day. There was no doubt, just peace abounding! We were completely surrounded by family members that had gone on before. We KNEW they were there. Yes, there to take Dawson back to an amazing celebration, but for hours they were there for us. We felt their love and support. We were smiling the whole time! For the entire 8 hours of "letting go" they gave us the ability to gently encourage our son to let go. "It's Ok buddy. We will be Ok. You did such a good job. You can go back home. We love you bubba!" was said maybe a million times that day. (It's OK go grab a tissue, I am bawling too!) Hearing is the last sense to go you know. We knew he heard us! However, he would not let go until he knew his big brother would be Ok. Jake had told him it's Ok to go, but he was struggling and D felt it. When Jake finally had peace about it all he went into Dawson's room and gave him some love and told him it was Ok to go. Dawson listened and within just a few minutes he knew Jake WAS Ok and he returned to His Father In Heaven, with Jake there to see him go. It was an amazing experience for Jake. See, Dawson's mission was a mission of Love. Even people that never got to meet D in person have felt his love while reading this blog. Are you one of them? Do you know why?

I believe it is because his love is pure and unconditional. His love is a reflection of our Father in Heavens love and the love the Savior has for us. I want you to know that last FEBRUARY, when we first felt that Dawson was going to return Home, there was a night when the veil was parted just enough for me to feel the full capacity of that love. It was sublime! It was beyond words! It consumed me completely! It was my experience, given to me so that I could spend the rest of my life testifying of this experience and my KNOWLEDGE that GOD LIVES, JESUS CHRIST IS OUR SAVIOR, we are God's Children, we truly did come from their presence, and because of the remarkable power of the Atonement we have the ability to return to Their presence, just like Dawson has done.

So many times we get overwhelmed and discouraged that we are not enough, or are failing. The adversary wishes us to feel this way. If we do, he wins. The path begins to be too hard. Our hearts harden against the Lord. We question our faith or feel it is weak. Discouragement is NOT an emotion that comes from God!

One of my favorite quotes is in the VIDEO that I have posted on MY OTHER BLOG. Jeffrey R. Holland, an Apostle, said: "Even as He calls us to come unto Him and follow Him, He is unfailing running to help us."

THAT is the love He feels. Just as you would be quick to forgive and would never give up on your children, neither would He! He loves us with A MORE PERFECT LOVE than we are capable of giving because it is only HE that truly knows us, our pains, our sorrows, our weaknesses, our faults, our shortcomings and still He loves us, when even we feel we cannot love ourselves.

Christ suffered all of our heartaches, our guilt, our pain....not all at once, but individually. You were on His mind as He felt what you feel in your darkest moments. He knows personally the overwhelming load we carry. He carried it too! Because He was the Son Of God, both in body and spirit, He was part immortal, therefore able to endure much more than our mortal bodies could take without simply dying from the burden of it all. He did it because of that love He has for us. Our Father did not stop it, although He had the power to, because of His love for us. How can we ever question to love these Two have for us?!

Seriously, ponder that a bit. Ponder that love and how you feel it in your life. There was a wonderful talk given by Richard G. Scott, also an Apostle, in which he asked that we would write down the feelings that came to our hearts and minds, in a sense. So, I have learned the power of this. What "action" sentences do you hear in your mind? What changes or new goals have come you felt you want to make? This is one way the Lord talks to us personally. Write it down! Put as much emotion as you possibly can into it so that you can look back and gain the same feelings you had when you need them most!

Now, because all of that was not what I intended when I sat down to do this post (funny how that works), let's get onto a few pictures of our last day with Little D.
Oh, how I LOVE those brown eyes!

At my In-Laws house they have finished a section of their basement for us to stay in when we come to visit. There are two bedrooms downstairs. We put Dawson in his own room. For the last few days he was mostly uncomfortable being held. He preferred to be in bed and listen to his music. We set the room up nice for him. The bed is a queen one so anyone of us could go in and lay next to him. There was also a recliner in the room so if he wanted to be held we could hold him there as long as he wanted. Ryan had dedicated this room. A beautiful sacred feeling occupied it.

For almost the entire day we sat in this chair and held him. Hospice had come in so that Dawson could have something a little stronger for pain and discomfort. They were a blessing. Just a drop of morphine on his tongue and he was free from all of his discomfort and able to finally relax. He slept from about 3pm until he was able to leave his little body behind. He was comfortable the whole time. That was a blessing to us!
Ryan and I took turns holding him the entire day. I held him most of the day. We all felt so much support! From your prayers, from our loved ones that had past, from our family and from our Father In Heaven and our Savior. THAT is how we did it. The peace was so overwhelming we didn't even know we needed courage. It was natural and perfect! Of course it was the most perfect way for him to go! Throughout his entire life we have surrounded him and held him through his suffering and pain. To sit and hold him, encourage him, sing to him and express our love to him in his last hours was an honor. A blessing. A gift! 

We just received the audio for the funeral. I will be posting it tomorrow. If you would like to listen, please do. The spirit in that chapel was amazing and strong. Dawson's presence was felt by all of us! AND my extremely talented brother in law, Brian Cook,  composed a song just for Dawson. I sang A Child's Prayer to D maybe a million times! Each time the spirit during the second verse was something special to both of us. Brian did a beautiful job at composing a special "DAWSON VERSION" of that song!

Until Tomorrow....
Posted by Picasa


Lombardo Family said...

Oh Amy, can you just stop making me cry? :o) Seriously, amazing you and your little family are. Thanks seems to common a word for sharing this incredible gift. I can't even imagine the lives Dawson has touched and continues to touch through his amazing mother. I really would love to have you and Ryan come down to speak to our youth sometime. Maybe before Easter. I'll talk with the YW presidency (I'm in YW's) and see if that would work. Let me know what you think first.

Baldwincrew-blog said...

What a beautiful post. There is no way to deny the gospel of Jesus Christ. He is there and loves us till the end. Glad He was there to comfort your family at such a spritual time. May you be blessed from here on out.

MyR said...

BAWLING! You are so talented at explaining how you feel. Thank you for sharing such an amazing and hard time in your life. I sure love you!

Anonymous said...

We loved your blog - just reading the sweet, wonderful feelings you have for Dawson, Our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ has strengthened our testimonies. I have learned to bring a box of tissue to the computer when I get onto your blog -- and I know others feel the same way. The hundreds and maybe thousands of lives that you will and have touched through your amazing writing and experiences with Dawson and your family, have truly touched our lives. We love you and Ryan and feel honored and blessed to have such good friends.
Love, LaMar and Sharron

Chrystal said...

I would have to agree with all the other comments. Everytime I read your posts, I end up crying. You have such a special way of telling your story it is amazing. I could only hope to be as strong as you in the same situation. You are an inspiration to all that read your blog. Thanks so much for sharing.

Todd and Steph said...

Amy, I have to meet you! You are an amazing person, and I truly admire you! With all you and your family have been through, your testimony is SO strong, and it inspires me. Kristin had always talked so highly of you, and I keep telling her that you need to be my friend, too :) I was there for a day this week, mom said that she had a great conversation with you. I'm hoping to go back over in a couple of weeks and help Kris with whatever, it just depends on what is going on here at our home. Thank you for your posts, and for your opening your heart to all your readers. It helps MY testimony immensely to 'hear' your testimony. YOU'RE AWESOME!!!

Maria said...

What a beautiful testimony Amy! Dawson is incredibly blessed to have come to such a wonderful family. Thanks for your willingness to share with the world.

Gear Gang said...

I love you ALL so much. Thank you for be so AMAZING!! You have all helped me and so many others build and increase our testimonies.

I love little D so much. I can't wait till we can be with him again.

Love you

Norris Fam said...

I'm a mess...but it was totally worth reading your sweet words. It's amazing how strong we can become through our trials and how that strength can bless others (not going through the trial). I feel so blessed because you are willing to share a little of your strength with those of us who are weak.