I don't even know where to start! This week has been painful, wonderful, spiritual, amazing, extemely draining... there are just SO many words that could describe it!
I have composed this post in my mind a million times. How to tell you, how to adequately describe, what we have been going through this week?! When is the right time to share? How much to tell?
Today is the day. I want to tell you. Mostly because I think that sitting down and remembering will do my soul good today. It is a very hard day.
So Dawson had his surgery last week. It was the usual, just another shunt surgery followed by another simple operation. Nothing to really set it apart from any of the others. Nothing except a growing feeling that our little man wouldn't be with us much longer. I talked to Dawson's doctor, Dr. Scott, in Idaho. I love her. She is a dear dear woman. A friend. She tells me honestly how she feels. She puts A LOT of stock in mothers intuition and is always kind. I asked her some questions about Dawson's life. She answered quite honestly giving me the when to go forward and when to call it quits talk. She admitted that this had been on her mind lately.
The subject started weighing heavier on our minds. One evening Ryan felt impressed that Dawson needed a Priesthood blessing. The next impression was that his Dad should give it. It was beautiful and comforting. It was a blessing of "release". His mission is complete, he can return home when he chooses. We cried. It is nearly impossible to picture life without him. However, the peace was overwhelming.
We returned home to Idaho on Monday night. At the time we knew that his time with us here was winding down, but we were unsure when it would end. On Tuesday morning the feeling settled in just a bit deeper. Ryan came home from work. I kept the kids home from school. We spent the afternoon praying, talking and crying. A sudden urgency settled in on us. We had been home for only 12 hours and found ourselves hurriedly packing to get back. Our family members needed to be able to say goodbye and feel the peace that we were feeling. We were in the car headed South a short time later.
On Tuesday we arrived to a house full of Lindstroms. Everyone was here. All here to love on little D. Emotions were raw. We were struggling. Thoughts of not having our little man here with us were overwhelming. Gratitude for Temple Ordinances consuming.
On Wednesday we spent the day with grandparents and my family. We tried to see everyone we could. We were worn out by the end of the day.
The rest of the week we have spent as much time as possible with Dawson. Kissing, cuddling, praying, comforting. We spent a lot of time in the temple yesterday. That brought a lot of peace. I love the temple.
Many people have asked what is going on health wise. We can honestly say nothing. We have felt very strongly that Dawson would be free of pain and discomfort and that his passing would be a peaceful event. One of simply having his spirit leave his body. We take a lot of comfort in this. He is happy. VERY happy.
Ryan and I have experienced some of the neatest spiritual experiences throughout this week. We all have. There is a lot of peace. Faith in some things has been replaced with knowledge. We KNOW that Dawson is a noble spirit. We are humbled to be his parents. We have had thoughts about the power of the Atonement quite a bit this week. While realizing who it is that we care for and have for eternity, we can't help but think of our past lives. Choices we had made. Repentance. When the Lord says He will forgive. HE DOES. How else would He have given us this boy?! We are so grateful. We will never stop testifying of this truth!
Each night has been difficult. We all say goodbye. Kisses, loves and prayers. The sadness at times was nearly consuming, but the peace was present so we prevailed. Jake is doing well. He learned that his prayers are heard and answered. He has been praying hard for Dawson to stay. Yesterday, after realizinghow important Dawsons next mission is, he prayed that he would be able to return to Heavenly Father in his own little way. This is hard for him, but oh the lessons he is learning! Even Mallory, when asked, will reply that "Dawson is going to live with Henley Father".
Today has been hard. We are emotionally, spiritually and physically exhausted. We know that the Lord is ready for Dawson, but the choice of leaving his body will be Dawson's. We are trying to help him finish everything that he feels he needs to accomplish. The feelings reguarding this has been amazing. We love that little man so much!
We do not know what to do next. We are trying to do the Lord's will in everything. We have felt that we would not be returning home with Dawson. Tomorrow we will pray to see what we should do next. It is hard to do nothing all day everyday. We may return home, if it is right, this week.
I just want you all to know how grateful we are for all of you. Your prayers are so appreciated. We are tired and they definately give us strength!
Prayers ARE answered. Jesus Christ is our Savior. Families are Forever. We KNOW these things!
We will keep you all posted on our status. For those of you that have known about this, thanks so much for all of your phone messages and emails. They mean so much to me! I draw a lot of strength from my wonderful friends! I promise to work on returning calls by tomorrow.
We love you all!