Tuesday, January 18, 2011

It's Been A Year

On January 5th our Little Dawson was on our mind quite a bit. I can't believe we have lived without our little man for a year! We miss him so very much!

Just before Christmas I started feeling the weight of it all. I was surprised that parts of this year mark are harder than immediately after losing him. Right after he passed away we were comforted quite a bit by the spirit. One of the parts of that comfort was the feeling that we would be together again before we knew it. Time felt so small and short. It was a gift to me those first few weeks to feel this.

A year after the fact, the weight of time has settled in. A year is a long time to be without someone you love so very much. It is impossible to think that his sweetness isn't constantly available to me anymore. There are parts of the job of being his Mom that I miss so much. Mostly it involves being Dawsons very favorite person. I love the special bond we had. I love the way that I felt he could brave anything in this world, and did, just knowing that I was there to hold him, sing to him and comfort him. We were all his favorite for different reasons. My role as his favorite was incredibly rewarding. I loved when I would pick him up and feel him trying to put all of his weight into trying to feel me as much as he could. If I put him down before he was ready, he let me know he wasn't done. Oh, what I would give to feel that weight on my shoulder and the feeling in my heart that came with it again. 

On the 5th I was feeling particularly heavy. I could watch the clock and tell you exactly what had happened a year ago at that time. 

11:00am: Aunt Deanne came over to see Dawson and share a lot of love with us. 
1:00 pm: Hospice doctor shows up to check on Dawson and tells us Dawson has 2 days at the most.
3:00 pm: The nurse tells me not to leave the house.  He is going much faster all of the sudden. His O2 sats drop to 67% on room air. The nurse leaves, understanding that we needed to do this on our own. She leaves her number and a heavy, "Call me if you need ANYTHING."
4:00pm: Dawsons sats are now at 17%. Within 15 min they would be undetectable through his little fingers. He is in my arms. We are in the green chair in his special room at my in laws house. He was asleep now. He wouldn't be conscious again.
5:20 pm: Dawson is taking a small breath every 15 seconds. We suddenly feel the most amazing feeling of peace. We feel the celebration awaiting him. We feel him experiencing it. Our faith in life after this one, in the Plan of Salvation, solidifies into knowledge. There is so much peace. Euphoria even.
5:45 pm: We feel him back with us. He is holding on. We don't know why. However, we feel so grateful to get to hold him through this process.
8:30pm : Aunt Lacy brings Jake and Mallory in to say goodnight/goodbye to Dawson. They can see he is no longer coherent, but they can feel the peace around him. Mallory goes to bed. Jake can't sleep.
10:30pm: I leave the room for the first time since earlier this morning. I find Jake. He is really having a hard time. We have a great talk about Dawson. I feel strongly that Dawson is holding on because Jake isn't ready. Jake and I talk about this.
11:25pm: Jake goes down to the room. Dad is in the green chair with Dawson. Jake hugs Dawson and tells him that he is ok and that Dawson is Ok to go now. He tells him he loves him and gives him plenty of kisses.
11:27pm: Dawson sighs and peacefully slips out of his broken body. Almost immediately after I feel his arms wrap tightly around me. The first thing he did after leaving his body and before returning to our Father in Heaven was give his Mommy some love. We spent the next hour loving his little body. Holding him and kissing him. The feeling in the room was amazing.
12:30 am: Paul Olpin (mortician) arrives. I couldn't have handed Dawson over to anyone else. He is a great family friend. I will NEVER forget the sight of Paul walking away, him in his suit and Dawsons little Sponge Bob pajama pants on his little legs, dangling over Paul's arm.
12:45 am: My heart nearly breaks. In fact it might have broken. I felt like I was caving in on myself. The grief is overwhelming. Then my husband lays his hands on my head and gives me a blessing. Oh that moment! Immediate healing. Celebration for my son. Learning more about my mission and purpose in this life. Knowing I am supposed to share him with anyone who will listen. He came here to change lives. And that he did, and still does. Oh it's a blessing to be his Mother!

These things ran through my head. However, the day was filled with a lot of love. Messages from friends and family, phone calls, lunch with Lynne & Lacy at Red Lobster and then a little something that would change the mood of the day for me, from one of my best friends:

THIS was a blessing to us! After Maryon posted the Dawson's Day Challenge my day was filled with message from people responding to her call to action. People having great experiences and sharing Dawson and flowers to brighten the days of Parents that are in the same position we were in 5 years ago. MyR showed us the best way to celebrate this day and started a tradition! Next year, January 5th is Dawsons Day! Check out THIS link to find out what that is all about!

I am not going to lie, I have shed more than a few tears while writing this post. Some moments carried a momentarily ugly face cry. We miss our Dawson. However, this year, I look forward to starting on the writing of a book that has been in the cards for a long time, all about my boy and his gift to us and of course, finding gratitude in adversity. I am sure this venture will prove to be therapeutic and a blessing in many ways!


MyR said...

Oh how I love you and miss you. You are AMAZING and have NO IDEA how strong you really are. You certainly are blessed to be Dawson's mommy but he is also one lucky guy to get to be your son.

Ashlee Salisbury said...

Ya this post made me cry, you are soooo strong, I look up to you as a mother and a wife... i

Tammra said...

I miss that little guy so much! Thank you for posting these sweet pictures. There are a couple that I have not seen before.

I think it was really awesome that Jake and Mallory also got their library cards on "Dawson Day."

I love you,

Courtney Price ~ Vintage Ginger Peaches said...

I don't think there is anything I can SAY about this post... just sending you guys some love :)

Ben and Kelli said...

Amy I love you, thank you for sharing this! I'm so glad to hear that you are going to be writing a book about your sweet baby boy, I look forward to it. You truly are one amazing woman.

Hardy Party said...

Well, I had myself a good cry too. We miss him but we must focus on the good he did. The message... We love you all very much. You are in our hearts. That book sounds GREAT!!!

Stout Ranch said...

I know so personally your pain and sadness. I also know the peace and love that can come after if we are open. You are wonderful and strong; carry on!

Just Us said...

This post mad e me cry. We miss him so much! I love you guys all so very much!!! Dawson was one lucky guy to have a mom like you! I love you guys!!
Love, Sammi

Christy said...

I was preparing for sharing time in Primary and happened to come across your blog full of ideas, then your link to your twins caught my eye as I also had twins, a boy and a girl. I have been reading about him for quite some time now. What a sweet boy you have. Reading about your little boy and the struggles, heartaches and yet joy he brought to your lives was beautiful and helped me remember the peace I felt as well when our little boy passed away. Our twins were born 17 weeks early and our little boy lived for 17 days until he returned home as well. Our little girl is almost two now and is just doing wonderfully. Thank you for sharing your story and I am glad I happened upon it.
Hope life brings you many more joys as his life here on earth did!

Kylee said...

This is heart-wrenching. I am sitting in my living room sobbing as my husband gives me quizzical looks. Thank you for sharing your story. For your faith and strength. It's truly an inspiration. I'm positive I would not be handle the loss of one of my kids so gracefully. You're my hero.