{{FOUR}} years ago tOdAy

I saw him for the first time! It was just after 10 pm. I was so nervous. excited. anxious. afraid. sore (a c-section will do that to you, ya know).

I remember just seconds before they were born. I was so so afraid for the lives of these sweet little babies of mine! I had spent one week contracting. praying. In Pain. Not Dilating. Baffling the doctors. Hoping. One week that would eventually save their little lives. Miracle #1!

I was in a delivery room that had a direct window to the NICU. The babies would be delivered and quickly handed to the specialist waiting to fight HARD for the lives of our babies. I had to depend on Ryan to tell me all about them. I was prepared by the doctors to NOT hear any crying. They were to small. Wouldn't be able to. I will never NEVER forget their little voices...they cried anyway. For their Mommy. They were going to be alright. They wanted me to know.

"He looks just like a Lindstrom", Ryan said about Dawson. He was born first. It was 1:40 pm.

Then she would follow one minute later at 1:41 pm.

She looked more like my family. Grandma Fenton and Atkinson mostly.


A little perspective. Pull a dollar out of your wallet. Pretty small huh?


Dawson fought HARD for life. We prayed. Miracles #3-1,000 something! :)

It's hard to be feel so helpless. A mothers natural instinct is to hold and love to comfort. It was painful for them. Their nerve endings were on the surface of the skin. Especially with Dawson. Any rubbing was extremely painful. He would let me hold his hand.

My first opportunity to smooch Mal. It would be a month before I could hold either of them. This made me so happy! I have since made up for it! I swear I have smooched them both a million times.....a day!

Mal would return home at 3 months....Dawson at 8. However, we all know how much Dawson actually spent time at home. Apparently he thought PCMC was home for a while. We spent a good portion of the first year and a half there.

One year later......

CHUNKY MONKEYS! I want more chunky monkeys!

Two years later.....

Three years later....

Mal grew A LOT this year! And then she did this.....

Little turkey!

And D joined her!

Now it is 4 years later! I can't believe my babies are FOUR! I have spent the day thinking about it. The Miracles. The Trials. The Love. The Blessings.

She is starting her second year of preschool. She is singing everything, all day long. She is the most loving and happy little stinker in the world! We can't get enough of her!

I spent the day with Dawson. Mal was at Sports Camp. Just me and my D. We cuddled and played and napped together. I cried a few times. He's lost his baby look. He has a big boy face now. If I am being honest, in some ways I wish the last 4 years with him was different. I wish he was running, playing and "normal". I wish he could have spent the last 4 years like any other 4 year old would have. Best pals with his Mally. Talking to me. Singing. I wish I didn't have to spend everyday hoping it isn't the last.

HOWEVER.....

the moments of wishing for those things are few. We trust the Lord. We have faith that Dawson is as he was always supposed to be. He is not "normal", he is PERFECT! I love him more than life. He is our little angel and I am SO grateful that he is! In all of my wishing it was different I remind myself about the lessons in faith we have all experienced because of this little boy.

Throughout the last 4 years, these two little angels have helped us come to know the true nature of our Father in Heaven and our Savior. They are loving, gentle, kind & full of mercy. When we face trials, if we look, we will ALWAYS find support that the Lord has placed in our path to help us through. When we see it and acknowledge it, we are more able to understand Him and His love for us. We can either ask "Why Me?", as if it is unfair, or we can ask "Why Me?", as in, "what is it that you want for me to learn?". When we do this He will show us, and support us, and in the end faith will be changed to knowledge and our hearts will be sealed to Him! We have learned that this is true!

I can't even begin to tell you how thankful I am for the last 4 years! Every moment has been an opportunity for growth. An opportunity for us to understand why we are really here on Earth, our mission and purpose, where we hope to return and who we hope to be!

Through many of the experiences we have had with Dawson especially in this last year we have learned that the Lord's plan for us, The Plan of Salvation, is not just something that is part of our purpose, it IS our purpose. It is why we are all here. Whether we believe in it or not, it IS the course we are all on. We will be with our Father again. Our life here IS a time for us to prepare to be with Him again, and with our families for eternity. We have many loved ones that we can't wait to be with again! Can you imagine what life would be like without the knowledge of families being together forever?! What a blessing! The Gospel brings so much peace and joy into our lives!

Today has been a day full of reflection, thought and gratitude for me! I love that I am a mother! I prayed for this opportunity for so long! I am grateful that I have been given this blessing! I hope to be better at it. I hope to remember who it is that I am raising! Each child has Divinity within them. It is a sacred calling to be a parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle or teacher to these little ones. I hope that as I enter the 4th year of this blog I will find more ways to try harder and be better at this job!

I love learning from each one of you! I can honestly say that I am a better mom because I watch and try to learn from all of my friends and family! So THANKS SO MUCH!

OH AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO OUR MALLY & DEETER!