Thursday, January 5, 2012

2 Years Ago Today.......

Two years ago today our little man finished his mission here on earth. His mission was abnormally difficult. He suffered more than most and more than I am sure we know. His life's purpose was to remind each one of us, and the hundreds of thousands that have read about him, that God lives, that the Atonement of Jesus Christ is vital to each one of us, both in it's power to wash away our sins and in it's ability to lift our burdens and comfort our weary hearts. Families are forever. Temples, and the sacred and beautiful ordinances performed there are vital to the eternal nature of our lives. 

The list could go on and on! 

Today I am grateful that our son came to our family. I am grateful for the 4 1/2 years we had with him. I know it was meant to be much less, however, our noble boy chose to stay for us. 

I have had Jake on my mind a lot. How difficult this has to have been for him. His faith is remarkable! He trusts the Lord. He misses his brother, and while he doesn't have an adults ability to try to wrap his mind around the purposes in all of this, he trusts and he seeks the Lord for comfort. He inspires me! I am so proud of him! 

Mallory speaks of "Dawsy" all of the time. She writes him letters and draws him pictures. In random moments she comes for a cuddle and expresses her love for Dawson and how much she misses him. I ask her things that she remembers about him all of the time. I desperately do not want her to forget, although, I know she will over time, I hope she holds on to enough to keep the close bond she feels with him now. 

Ryan is not as open about his grieving as we are. I respect that. He loves Dawson so deeply and I know he misses him so much. He grieves and processes much on his own. There are moments when I catch him with puffy eyes after a good cry, mostly after we watch a video of Dawson, and I love him all the more because of it. He is such a good man. His faith strengthens ours. I am eternally grateful for the way he lives his life. It is important to him to live close to the Lord so that he may be worthy to use the sacred priesthood power that blesses our family. At his hands, and through the power of the Lord, through that sacred priesthood, miracles were realized and strength given to each one of us. I wonder how I will ever express adequately how much I love and appreciate him for the way he loves us and sets such an example. He is the greatest blessing in my life! I remind him of that daily! 

Today I can almost feel the soft puffy palms of Dawson's hands and his chubby little fingers, one of my favorite things about him. I remember once lying next to him on my bed studying his features and feeling my heart break over the thought of ever living without them. It felt impossible. Still does sometimes. Oh, to feel him press his body against my shoulder, trying to get just a little closer to me, feeling his contentment as he said "ma ma" over and over, with his little face turned into my neck. I can almost feel his lips moving on my neck and the hardness of his cheeks against my shoulder when he smiled so big, so proud of himself for mastering such a big word. I sit in church most weeks and think what I would give to lean over and unbuckle his seat belt on his flourescent green wheelchair and lift him out so that he can snuggle with me. I can almost feel his abnormally flat back on my fingertips as I scratched it and tickled his little ribs. I can almost feel his boney little hiney on my forearm. 

These, and so much more, are the things I miss on a daily basis. Today in particular. It's funny how sometimes I can truly almost feel him. Oh, to have just 20 more seconds, but it wouldn't be enough! 

These moments are the moments I am SO grateful to KNOW that I will see me sweet boy again! I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the gift of the Resurrection. One day my 4 1/2 year old boy will rise in his perfect little white suit, and we will continue where we left off....just without all the pain, and with a whole lot of walking and running around! What a blessing! 

D, thanks for the gift of your life! So many love you and honor you today! You are a gift to many and we love you so very much! Thanks for the moments when you reach through the veil to let us know you are always with us! Above all, thank you for teaching us to have an Eternal Perspective! You are ours for Eternity. Nothing this world has to offer will ever be more appealing than that! We love you Bubba! See you soon! 

(Want to honor Dawson with us today? Check out yesterday's post to find out what we will be doing today and what you can do to join in and share the love!)


Active Headbands said...

You have a way with words that always choke me...Hope today is a beautiful day! love you and your family and the faith and example you are to everyone.

Courtney Price said...

I think that being able to remember all those little details is a gift from God. Too often, things fade, even more quickly than 2 years. Heavenly Father has blessed you and your family!

Tammra said...

I celebrated Dawson Day a little differently than you requested but I think you will also like what I did. This morning I had my R.E.A.D. Book Group at the library. I met with over 20 wonderful people who are older and have all faced or are now facing difficult things in their life. The book that was reviewed is Unbroken about a man who went through difficult things in his life but because of his resilience and his spirit, he was unbroken by them. I took the first several minutes to talk about Dawson and how this was his day to bring joy and strength to others. I showed his picture and told them how adversity is mandatory but misery is optional and how Dawson taught me that valuable lesson. I also told them that it was fitting that we were discussing this book on his day. Afterward, many stayed and wanted to talk more about Dawson so they could know more about his life. It was wonderful!

Later I sent Dawson's picture and his message to some dear friends who are also facing very difficult things in their lives. I know his message will bring them strength and hope.

I read your request for pictures on Facebook after all was said and done. So, there are no pictures but alot of touched hearts.

I have been thinking a lot about the day you came in the library full of joy to be expecting twins. You were worried because you had just found out that one was smaller than the other. I'm sure at that time you thought that was the biggest concern you would have with your pregnancy. Little did you know about what else you would soon be required to endure. I was touched and amazed then and still am to this day at the love, strength, faith and grace you have shown in your life these past 6 1/2 years. Not everybody could do what you have done Amy. I am so proud of you and I know your Heavenly Father is so pleased and your little angel son feels so blessed that you are his mama and you were up to the task. You did all that was needed. And now you take all that you learned and use it to bless the lives of others. You are such a special woman and I hope you will continue to be blessed for your efforts and find peace in spiritual things. On occasion I go back to the beginning on your blog and relive all of the experiences and I am so touched and in awe of all you went through and how your first thoughts and priorities were always for your children and your sweet husband. You always wanted to care for them and please your Father in Heaven (rather than become bitter and angry). This is obvious in your lives today and in the way you have all survived the heartache of having Dawson go on to his next mission. I know he is with all of you constantly. I know that every one of us who loved him get sweet tender mercies and precious opportunities to feel him with us at times.

Amy, you never cease to amaze me. Your example and your goodness are both an inspiration to me. I feel so blessed and priviledged to be your mom.

I love much.